Anxiety: One artist's journey

If you've ever experienced an abrupt wave of overwhelming anxiety and fear, then you're familiar with the feeling of having a panic attack. You can't breathe, your heart is pounding, and you may even feel like you are going to die. Sometimes it feels like you are just going to lose your mind. That's it, you've lost it. You are plummeting down a tunnel into crazy town. Well it is more common than people are willing to admit. Either they are ashamed, or honestly, they don't even realize they have had one. It's okay, we can get through this.

A few years ago, I was having regular nightly panic attacks. Even after years of having them on and off, I still thought "Hey, this is not right. What's happening to me? Why is my body jolting awake in utter fear?" Yup, I feel like I should have known, and not let myself panic more about it. But I thought it was something "new".

So I went to the doctor, explained my symptoms and awaited his opening statement -You are going to die!

He assured me it was anxiety, and attacks were quite common in the middle of the night. While clutching my husbands hand in the exam room, I felt one coming on. I started to panic. I informed the doctor of my oncoming attack whilst thinking maybe he was wrong, he would witness something more serious than he initially suspected. Waiting for his eyes to widen with realization, he then said "Just let it come."

JUST LET IT COME? I have always fought it, I never wanted to let my anxiety defeat me, or control me. What the hell was he saying? He was insane. And wrong. Or was he?

Okay, fine, I'll let you watch me die, then you'll see!

So I let it come. I succumbed to the fear, let it flow over my body. It coated me, all of this terror, loneliness even. But it was easier than the fight. I have always been so strong, always a fighter, a stubborn human. Nobody messes with me!

Not even......me!

But I trusted my doctor that day. Now when I feel an attack coming on, I don't fight the fear, I let the fear come. Welcome it. That heat of the attack fades, and I am a trembling me again, and I feel myself gradually growing stronger. That's right, stronger. Stronger than before. My anxiety has tested me, and it has strengthened me.

My anxiety didn't kill me. It made me stronger.

Through art, I have been able to paint my insecurities. My anger and sadness, my pure joy, it all piles onto the canvas layer by layer, filling each tiny hole with something I was feeling at that very moment. Most of my art is a representation of what I am going through, and what I want from life. I try to send a message, hoping that someone will get it, and it will touch them or make them think. I feel incredibly satisfied when creating, even if sometimes my end piece is unsatisfying to me, the journey is what I do it for. It is never wasted time for me, while meditating with my paintbrush I am able to feel everything, and just let it come.